Doom, my way
by Quaker nuts
Summary: When the almost mentally deficient mars base comes under attack from unknown hostiles, Phil is our only hope, unfortunatly...... Please R
1. Chapter 1

_**Doom, My way**_

_**Chapter 1: admittance**_

Mars platform omega alpha 213

Grid kilo 12

Mars city

"Sir, we got a ship coming down, it has no insignia". My receptionist is really daft sometimes, she can't even remember that we don't use insignias, but she makes me come up every time and look at it, at 63 years, I'm getting to old for this job. "Listen ok Mary, no ships have any insignias, we already know it is ours, so just shut up already and let him in, besides, I'm too busy watching the grey cup to get up and look at it."

"Yes sir"

The ship landed with a loud clank, and Phil came walking out, that's when the intercom came on. "Would Phil please report to the front desk for probing…….uhhhhh I mean for clearance….heheheh…..ummmmm…..out." Then the intercom snapped off, Phil made his way to the clearance pathway.

There was a guard there, behind bullet proof glass, who was fiddling away with the keyboard. "Alright marine, just stand there while this thingy takes a scan of your body."

"Will it hurt?"

"Ummm, not at all marine"

"Alright, why is there bullet proof glass?"

"Well, we have some trigger hap-"

A large zapping sound, then I screamed, I then took a couple of shots at the glass.

"Well, I was partially right, step on through to the reception area just ahead."

I walked out to the reception area, where I then saw some plastic plants in a brown, wooden pot, sitting on a marble desk with a apple computer _yuck apple_. Sitting behind the desk was a female secretary, who looked just like Jay Leno from the "Jay Leno Show", and not that bright either.

"O you must be the hair products salesman!"

"Uhhhh, nooooooo…."

"Don't lye; I know your hiding an anti-dandruff shampoo in there!"

Apparently, she's been behind the desk a little too often, so I decided to play along.

"Yes, and there is some skin products in here too, but you can only have them if you take me to your boss."

"O yes yes yes, he is in his office just walk in, and he should be working on some reports or something."

"Ok, thank you."

So I walked a little to the left of the desk, up a crimson hallway with Leonardo paintings on them. Then I found his office, kind of hard to miss with the word "BOSS" in big bold letters. So I walked in, and heard music but thought nothing of it, thinking he likes to listen to music while working.

I walked in, and saw a fairly old man, with a grey crew cut, well built, steel eyes, oh and one more thing, completely naked yelling "GO ESKIMOS!!!!!!" He then turned around, screamed, and hid behind his desk. He then reached up with his right arm and hit a button on his black intercom phone.

"Mary! I said no visitors during happy time!"

"Sorry boss, but he said he had skin care products, it was so tempting…"

He then turned a nice shade of red and smashed his phone on the floor. He then walked around and put on a yellow jumpsuit, with various medals on it, and proceeded to turn off the old fashioned TV. He then turned towards me.

"You must be the marine that arrived this morning."

"Yes sir, permission to speak freely sir?"

"By all means"

"Do you usually dance naked to the Macarena while watching the grey cup?"

He then shyed away and turned red.

"It was an exercise that the doctor said was good for my heart."

"I'm sure he did."

"It's a she"

"O then that explains everything"

"Alright marine, you're here, because we have been losing men in this sector"

He pulled down a pretty detailed map of Mars city, with a little poorly drawn smiley face in the corner, with the words beneath it saying "made by the boss", I decided to keep quiet about that one. He pointed over to grid kilo 45.

"We have lately been losing men over in this sector, but we recently got a message from a scientist called Gotte Miilc, who said they were experiencing a giant problem. We want you to go check it out"

"I'm pretty sure they're coffee machine is out of order, that's probably what they would declare a giant emergency"

"No, that is just a mega emergency, now get to it marine, Sgt. Harmen will fit you up in that sector, any questions?"

"Just one sir, where's the bathroom, It was a really long trip from earth to here"

"Follow the hallway, first door on the left, can't miss it"

"Thanks sir"

I ran out the door like I was on fire.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2: Crazy people trying to be smart**_

"O man I can't believe I went into the female washroom twice, maybe the male washroom was the little guy without the skirt?"

I made my way to grid kilo 45, once down there, I found Sgt. Harmen, about 24, recently shaved, blue eyes, black hair, armed head to toe……..asleep on the desk.

"Uhhhh, Sgt. Harmen?"

He woke so fast it startled me; he then proceeded to pull out a gun and shoot randomly around.

"I guess the coffee machine is good…."

"Don't do that to a guy, I could accidentally shoot my superior or something….hey what a pleasant thought."

"Uh yeah…..you're supposed to give me my gear?"

"O yeah, your Phil the new guy, well here you go!"

Harmen hands me light body armor, 12.56 caliber assault rifle, an everlast flashlight _apparently a victim of advertisings_ a helmet with a HUD, and a .45 handgun.

"Be careful down there, we were recently losing men down there, and kept sending men after them, and they disappeared too, but we stopped losing men after while"

"You mean you found them?"

"No, we stopped caring"

"Ok…..I'm off, see ya around Harmen!"

He was already asleep on his desk again, with gun in hand, that would suck if that were bullet proof glass, hehehehehe.

After donning my gear, I made my way up a long engineer hallway, all black and smoky, and very dark, passed a couple engineers playing poker, and a couple fixing power couplets, and a couple arguing about whose coffee that was on the table, wow must be some good stuff.

I finally got to Prof. Gotte Miilc, who was nervously tapping away at his keyboard, and looking over his shoulder, he almost screamed when he saw me.

"Am I really that scary, or is everyone drinking a lot of coffee?"

"No, it wasn't you or the coffee, you just startled me, that's all"

"Yeah, I have that effect on people, especially the boss"

"Yes, well, I must get this distress signal out before-"

A half earthquake and half thunder happened and we both paused and looked at each other.

"I must move quickly"  
"why, what's happening?"

"It's the demons, I should know, I built there cage"

"Really, was it like animal cage with straight bars, cause that doesn't that doesn't hold them that well"

All of the sudden, the room filled red, with crazy symbols on the wall, all the sudden a flaming skull appeared, and neatly decapitated the professor, he then looked at me.

"Wow…..do you do garden shrubs, my wife's been after me about those things, but I hate to do it"

The skull then came speeding at me, and I barely had enough time to dive out of the way, it then ran into a fire extinguisher, igniting it and blowing up both the extinguisher, and the skull.

"Ha, not so smart now are you, huh!"

I stood up and hit my head on a pole above me with a "clang"

"Stupid….place…for a pole"

I then ran out of the room, and started towards the elevator.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3: what happens when good coffee and bad karma get together**_

I started running towards the elevator, and saw what had happened to most of the engineers, who had been completely burned to the bone, with blood everywhere. Good thing my wife isn't here, she would start to clean it up and complain how messy it is. As for the other engineers, well, you could say they weren't entirely dead, they were however without half a brain and limping around grunting, just like your average engineer, so they were good, and I neatly was able to pass them.

I then came up a tunnel the engineers had been working on, and heard footsteps, I thought someone was still alive, because these weren't shuffling foot steps; they were too fast for a zombie. So I ran around the corner and found something that I had never seen before, a giant alien freak, no not that part, I get that part enough at the town bar on a Saturday. I meant the part where he was walking along sipping coffee.

"Wow the coffee must be really good here"

The alien nodded his head, and handed me his cup, and I took a sip, and began to get the chitters, and handed it back to him, while he made "tsk tsk" sounds, and sipped some more. There was a awkward silence until the alien finished his coffee, brushed his mouth with a scaly, slimy arm, put the coffee on a power coupling, coughed, and then began to roar and charge me, I had to dive behind a box. I poked my head up from the box, and barely got my head down before a fireball went over my head. I then went to shoot my assault rifle, and found out; Harmen hadn't given me any clips. So as the alien got closer, I began to say my prayers, when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

"So, you think your hot stuff, with the fireballs and everything, eat this!"

I shifted around, grabbed the blow torch on the ground, shoved it into his face with many eyes, and opened up, and the next part is too gruesome to go into details, but the main part of it is: He died.

I had to face a few more of those creatures, which I disposed of the same way as the first. I finally made it too the elevator, but I had to go into the booth to activate it. So I went in, and found Harmen, dead on the chair, so I went past him, grabbed a couple of clips for my assault rifle off the wall, and loaded one in, and went to the control panel, and the panel looked like it was designed by NASA with all the little buttons and glowy things, and a big red button in the middle.

"Oh no freaks, you aren't going to get me with the big red button, that's always the bad button when bad things happen."

I proceeded to hit an ordinary button on the left side, and all the lights went out, I hit another button, and red glowy lights came on, adding to the creepy factor.

"Damn you NASA engineers, why can't I find the button"

Then a grey slimy hand came around me and hit the big red button, and the elevator opened up.

"Oh thank yo-"

I turned around and there was Harmen, as mindless as before, but with twice the strength, and completely gray with red glowing eyes.

"Wow Harner, you look like Michael Jackson after the third plastic surgery"

The zombie then let out a horrific roar, and came after me, I managed to get my hands on his jaw, and keep it from closing, but I couldn't reach my gun, only one thing to do…….

I kicked him in the groin, and he stumbled backwards screaming and holding his….you get the idea, I then took the opportunity to grab my gun and fill him with lead.

I started to walk out.

"Don't bother to get up Harmen, I'll find my own way out, thanks for the clips, and have a nice day sleeping hoping to kill your boss"

I walked out, and onto the elevator, and clicked the button to the boss's level.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4: Why the Lights?!?!?!**_

I made it up to the boss's level, and greeted by his receptionist, Mary, who was, _surprise surprise,_ a zombie, she came after me no questions asked, I aimed, and fired….but nothing came out, I needed a new clip, as I fumbled around with a new clip she stopped inches from my face.

"Skin………….cream………"

"What???"

"Skin………cream……."

"O, that, um, he has it"

Pointing to another zombie, which she then ran towards, and decided to rip off his arms and roar at him. I finally reloaded, and by the time she came after me, I filled her with lead. I then ran down the corridor, past the washrooms, and then I saw my boss's office and 2 shapes inside, I decided it was an alien freak, and bust down the door, which I was then greeted by the boss was actually playing poker with a marine zombie. The sad fact about that was that the zombie was winning.

"Ah man, you win again; I swear you have an ace up your sleeve!"

The zombie laughed and clumsily raked in the winnings. The zombie then turned to me, then the boss, then me again, and started to attack the boss, which is when I shot 3 rounds into its skull. It fell faster then a sack of potatoes with a rocket attached.

"Boss you alright!?"

"Of course I'm alright; I get to keep the winnings now that he's dead heheheheh"

So I proceeded to tell him how the professor was dead, and half of the engineers were turned to zombies, and how there was alien freaks wandering around.

"Well, today is a good day"

"How's that?"

"Well, the coffee machine still works"

I sighed as he went to the coffee machine to get coffee, when another freak of nature appeared, and destroyed the coffee machine.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" yelled the boss

He then glared at it, and got a evil look

"YOU!!!"

The monster then got a scared look in his eight or so eyes, and started to back up slowly, while I took cover behind his desk. All I heard was the sounds of punches going through the alien's skull, and the slump of his body on the ground.

"Wow sir, I never knew you had it in you"

"Yeah, well, I was a boy scout once"

He then told me to go to Grid Kilo 39, and try to get a distress signal out, he then handed my a earpiece so we could stay communicated, and I set off.

About 3 steps out of his office, the lights went out, and I heard creepy grunting noises.

"WHY THE LIGHTS!!!!WHY ALWAYS THE LIGHTS!!!!!!"

So I fired randomly around in the darkness, and hit one of the zombies, who fell over dead, who then tripped up another zombie forcing it into a holographic projector, electrifying it, and then another zombie came by and touched him, and pretty much a chain of electrified zombies. It was pretty cool to watch. Next stop, ComSat.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5: How do you work this thing?!?!?!**_

Well, I managed to get to the elevator, and get to grid kilo 39. I was greeted by a handful of zombies, which I greeted back the way I greeted my snobby neighbor,

I punched them in the face, and put in a snappy comeback.

"Your mama works at burger king"

I was about halfway there, when things started to fly around the room, and started to try to hit me, I took cover behind a really big…..thing, and hid there for awhile. Then the thing started to move, my guess was that it wasn't actually a box………

It got up, and stayed on all four, with lots of eyes, and, and a smile that could wreck a sign of a mirror. It was about to attack me, when the stuff around the room decided to move again…….and hit it in the head with four pounds of bricks, he died, although, he did twitch, forcing me to shoot randomly around. I made my way up to the ComSat, kind of hard to miss it with, it's the only room at the end of the hallway. I went in, and was attacked by more of those dog-like freaks, I managed to cut 2 down to size, but the third was saved when I ran out of ammo. I didn't have enough time to get another clip in, and found a disembodied arm, I picked it up.

"Here boy, go fetch!"

I threw the arm, and the dog-like thing went after it, and ran into the garbage disposal chute, "I hope that I don't get garbage duty after this". I finally managed to get to the console, and again, it looked like it was built by NASA.

"Hey, boss, I got a problem…..HOW DO YOU WORK THIS THING?!?!?!?!?!"

"Well, have you tried pressing the big red button?"

"Sir, there's three big red buttons."

"Well, what do they say?"

"Bad, worse, worse-er"

"O, well press the worser one."

"What?! Why?"

"I just want to see what happens, I never pressed that one, I pressed the bad one, and it shaved my poodle dog, the worse one shoved it into the garbage disposal."

"….Fine, can't be that bad…"

I pressed the button, and all the sudden, a timer appeared in mid-air with the words "time left till horrible tasting pizza gets here"

"Wha……."

Then another dog jumped me, and scratched me across the face, that's when I took my everlast flashlight, and hit him on the head with it. It backed up and I took my pistol, and shot it right through the neck.

"So, what happened?"

"Nothing, just a timer till horrible tasting pizza gets here"

"Oh No, It will probably be anchovies"

"Why?"

"Because I hate that pizza, and the world is out to get me!"

"YOU, what about me, having to fight through hell to save us?"

"Yeah, that's your job though"

I sighed, and then found the communication array, and sent out a communication to the nearest outpost.

"Man I hope that finds someone, now to find another arm to throw down the garbage disposal, that was funny last time!"

I went out the room.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6: Well, I don't know, you first!**_

Mars OutPost

1100 hours

Squad Alpha

"Hey, sarge, look at this communication coming through"

"Do I have to, I mean, I just sat down from watching TV?"

"You better sarge"

"Oh Alright"

Sergeant Tumber went over to the communication panel. And then the communication from mars came.

"This is Pvt. Phil Humer, We need all the help we can get, Mars is being invaded by-"

The screen then filled with static

"What's going on corporal, get that picture back!"

"Trying sir……this is all I could find"

The screen then filled with the kiddy show "Teletubbies"

The sarge and corporal both looked on with extreme distaste. Then the screen went black.

"Should we go in sarge?"

"Naaaaaa, we just wait a couple of days, and the problem will go away, we go in, find survivors, get medals, promotions, and BEER!!!"

"But what if they're in real trouble?"

"O they'll find out to do, if not, that makes our job that much easier for finding survivors, o well, send a recon drone in then, and so help me god, if teletubbies comes on again, I'm going to shoot that panel!!!!"

"Yes sir"

They then sent the recon drone to Mars City.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7: Ok I did that………now what?**_

I started walking back to the boss's office, when I got a communication from him.

"Marine, you there?"

"Yes sir"

"Ok good, you're not dead yet…..I mean….your not dead."

"What is it sir?"

"New objective, get down to the labs, they have a new prototype weapon there, don't know exactly what it is, but it should be good if they got it under top secret folder."

"Alright sir, coordinates?"

"Grid Kilo 27"

"On my way"

"Oh, and find another coffee machine down there, I need my caffeine"

"Yes sir"

I made my way to the elevator, but there was something blocking it, lets not go into details here, what else could it possibly be, I mean really c'mon people. I look around, and found a service shaft, that was really, dark and gloomy, and kind of reminded me of my room at night, with stuff everywhere. I decided that was the only way to go, took out my flashlight and turned it on, and went down. I made my way down the shaft until I looked down, and saw a little kid there. I was wondering what a kid doing there, I thought against it, but I went down anyways, and put away my flashlight.

"Hey little kid, what are you doing hear?"

No response

"Are you ok?"

It turned around, had wings, and spider-like legs, and looked like something you would see on the late show with David Letterman. It immediately attacked me. It tried to gnaw off my arm, and it really hurt.

"Didn't your mother ever say it was bad to eat people's arms!!!?"

I grabbed my pistol, and shoved it into the baby's eye, and fired. It landed in a heap, and I wiped my brow, and gave a sigh of relief, until I looked up, and there was about 20 babies staring at me.

"What is this, a demon daycare?"

They came at me, and I grabbed my gun, and fired blindly, running backwards, and that's when I saw the coffee machine. I chugged 2 full cups. The world seemed to slow, and everything seemed to be moving as if they were trying to get through mud.

"Wooooooow……….goooooooood………stuuuuuuuufffff"

I then used it to my advantage, and easily killed them all. After a few more encounters with the babies from Britney Spears, I made my way to the lab, and to my relief, there was actually someone still alive.

"Hey professor, can you tell me what the secret weapon is?"

He turned around, he was about 78, bald, glasses, and thick blue robe on.

"But of course, young marine, over here."

I followed him to a giant cylinder, he pressed a few buttons, and layer after layer went down. Until it was finally done.

"Wow……….what is it?"

"This is a genetically modified rabbit…..capable of complete and utter destruction"

"Oh, a killer bunny, Monty Python eat your heart out!"

He then poked me in the arm with a big needle and proceeded to draw some blood out.

"OW!!!"

"Sorry, but I will need your DNA so the rabbit won't attack you, only the demons wandering around."

"Hey, what about the boss?"

"He already has his DNA registered, everyone on the base but you because you just arrived here today."

"I know, great way to start a day"

After the professor pressed a few more buttons, the rabbit hopped down, and started following me.

"Well, thanks, got to go, only-"

Looked at my watch.

"2 more hours till the horrible tasting pizza comes."

"Probably anchovy."

"Why you say that?"

"Because the boss hates that pizza and the world is against him"

"O…..K……awkward….see ya around"

I left the professor there, with the bunny hot on my tail, when I heard a crunching noise; I turned around and found half a giant alien in his mouth.

"SWEET!!!!!"

I then clicked the communicator on my ear.

"Hey Boss, I went down, found mutant babies, had some coffee, broke the coffee machine, found a zombie, and about the super weapon…..I did that….now what?"

All I got in answer, was static, and a bit of the Macarena playing, so I figured he was just exercising again, and made my way up to the boss's level with the killer rabbit.

"I think I'll call you fluffy!"


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8: Oh My God, the Eskimos won the grey cup!!!**_

I was able to make it to the boss's level, with little trouble, thanks to the killer bunny, which I named "Fluffy". I walked into his office, the Macarena was playing, the grey cup was still on, and the boss had been turned into a zombie with tank treads, and a giant tank turret on his arm. He turned around, and I knew, I wasn't going to beat this guy in a fair fire fight, so I thought quickly.

"Look, the Eskimos won the cup!!!"

He turned around and cheered, which is when the bunny attacked, he didn't even look, and he just pointed his turret and fired, BOOM, instant meatloaf. I then picked up his intercom phone and hit him on the head with it; it didn't even faze him, he just looked angry, and turned his turret at me. By then I was running out of the room and screaming like a little girl. He came after me, but I had made it to the reception area, which was quite big, and gave me more maneuvering room. He shot and I dove reaching for my gun, which wasn't there, it was by the office. It must have dropped out when I started running. So I looked around, but saw nothing, so I did the last thing he would expect……I dived at him, got and my knees and begged for my life.

"PLEASE!!!!DON'T KILL ME!!!!!"

He got a really disgusted look in his deformed face, and backed up slowly, and I followed, at least till I got my gun and unloaded into his stomach. It hurt him, but not enough for him not to turn and fire. I bent backwards, and the shot went over my chest and head, then I flipped upwards.

"Whoa, what you do when you don't have a camera"

He then roared and charged me, and I dived, and went clear through a window. I looked around, and he had lost track of where I was for the moment, then I looked up on the wall, and saw a pump-action shotgun, I took it and loaded it with a few rounds. I then went out the window and rolled to my feet.

"Hey big get some!"

He fired, and I ducked, running towards him, firing at the same time. Until I got right up to his face, aimed it and……..ran out of ammo. I looked into my gun, and he formed a smile, I then slapped him with my left hand, and he tried to slap me with his turret, but he was to slow, we went on slap, miss, slap, miss, slap, miss, until he ruined it. He aimed the turret into my gut, and I spun, and got a burn the size of a tire track on my stomach. I loaded my shotgun, and fired at point blank range into his face, and then I hit his treads, which sent him going backwards out of control, into a support pillar, which collapsed, and effectively killed him. I then spit on his corpse, and went into his office.

"I have to find the cause of this problem, I know where to go."

I then typed in "Cause of mars city disaster" in Google, and found a portal in grid kilo sub-section 70 otherwise known as Section D. As I started towards section D I saw something on the TV.

"Oh my god, the Eskimos did win the cup!"

I then left the office star-struck.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Chapter 9: Break time**_

I had grabbed some more rounds for my shotgun, since I was out for my assault rifle, I made my way down to section D, about halfway there, I realized something, I haven't been attacked for the past 20 minutes, I was wondering what was going on so I stopped, and looked around. Then something filled the air.

"Sniff sniff……..I smell detergent"

I turned around, and an even bigger giant alien was there, ready to chomp my head off. Right before it could though.

"Break Time!!!"

It got a confused look in its face, as I took it by the arm.

"C'mon, let's go grab a coffee."

I sat him down on the floor, and found a coffee machine a bit off, and served us both cups. There was an awkward silence for awhile, I decided to break it.

"So……how's life err I mean death?"

He then surprised me, by talking like an Englishman.

"Well, old chap, you should know, that eating people isn't the neatest thing in the world, I mean you get blood stains everywhere….I say, this is good coffee."

"Yeah, I know"

After about 10 minutes have passed.

"Well, I guess we should get back to work."

"I say, I'm sorry that I have to kill you, you were such pleasant company chap"

"Ummm, yeah, hold that pose for a second"

I went a grabbed a chain gun off the weapon rack about 20 feet away.

I then turned and faced him and pointed it into his face.

"Ready?"

"I say, Of course I'm ready!"

"Action!"

I then filled his face with so many bullets it looked like the fourth of July, and he fell over dead.

"By the way, I hated your English accent"

I then walked away, and continued to section D.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Chapter 10: Sorry, wrong number!**_

"Just what I need, a chain gun, 2 bullet belts, a shotgun, a flashlight, o yeah, and a army of darkness between me and serenity, whoever said paradise comes at a cost should be shot."

I was at section D, and could see the portal, which was off for the moment, and an army of demons. It was actually pretty easy just to mow them down with the chain gun, and switch to my shotgun if they got too close. I finished them off pretty quickly, and got up to the portal, which was malfunctioning due to the coffee being spilled on the console.

"What is with the coffee in this place!!!?"

It looked like it was pretty simple, more like a phone with a speed dial, I guessed hell was the first one on the speed dial, so I clicked it and went in.

"Alright, get ready to be blown to…….what the"

I was in the middle of the playboy Mansion; they looked at me and screamed.

"Oh c'mon, I can't be that ugly!"

They started pointing behind me, and I turned around to find out one of the super giant alien freaks had followed me through. I then took out my shotgun, but he hit it out of my hand as he fired. I then grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his face, until I heard him gasping for air, I held it harder.

"That's it; take in the overdose of perfume!!!"

Then something happened that I didn't expect, his head exploded, with blood everywhere. I then hopped down and looked around, and wished I could stay, and then I got a look to my left. Most of the girls were now covered with blood and guts.

"You know what, you're not as beautiful with zombie brains on you."

I ran back through the teleporter trying to avoid slippers, towels, and the occasional perfume, which I grabbed and put in my pocket.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Chapter 11: Allergies can be a real drag!**_

After about 3 more tries to find hell, I finally got there, and literally had to go through hell to get to the core of the problem. I also found a new enemy there, a fat guy with twin rockets for arms.

"Have you ever heard of the movie Super size me, because that's what's going into my mind right now!"

He shot at me, and apparently he failed his little demon firing school, because his aim sucked. I easily dodged him, and he personally got to meet my shotgun. I then went over a bridge that was above a boiling river of lava, through the land of lost souls, and finally past the vortex of bad TV reruns. Until finally I saw what I had come to kill. He had hooves for feet, and a cannon for an arm, and horns popping out his head, oh yeah, he was about the size of the empire state building back in 2003. He saw me, and just started at me for a second.

"Uhhh, excuse me for a second"

I walked over to the giant hole in the middle of the floor, and saw it was about a 23,000 foot drop into the lava.

"Hold one a few more seconds."

I started walking over to my spot I was before, and took out the bottle of perfume; I then tossed it in the air, and then threw it at him. He just laughed, and then he started to sniff the air, and started to sneeze uncontrollably, making his way to the giant hole.

"Allergies can be a real drag eh?"

He was on the verge of falling in, but I knew I didn't have enough strength to push him in, that's when I saw Mr. Fatty warming up his rockets, and I got an idea.

"Hey Mr. Fatty, c'mon see if you can squish me, that is if you have enough AIR to get over here without passing out!!!"

He got mad, and started running at me, and about halfway, he leaped high in the air. I rolled out of the way, and he hit the big guy, forcing them both into the lava. Then the entire place started to shake, I looked into the hole, and saw the lava rising. I made a mad sprint to the portal.

"Woooo, I shouldn't have had that much coffee."

I made it to the portal, got through, and barely managed to get it close in time before the lave came through. Then I made my way to the elevator.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Chapter 12: If he's dead, I get his stuff!**_

"Alright sarge, cam is up, and film is a go"

"Alright, the recon droid showed blood and bodies everywhere, with little hint of survivors, making my job a whole lot easier."

Sergeant Tumber and his squad made there way through the city, until they got to grid kilo 45.

"Sarge, look, a body that still looks human!"

"Is he dead?"

"I don't know, but if he is dead, I get his stuff!"

All the sudden the body twitched.

"I saw him twitch!"

"Now don't get all scared on me cor-"

The body then screamed and got up fast, the sergeant screamed and ran out the door, while I just laughed and laughed.

"Jeeze, don't scare us like that!"

"Do you know what I've been through?"

The corporal looks around, and sees blood and bodies on the floor, and words like "succumb" and "die" on the walls.

"Ummmmmm, A New York shopping mall?"

"You know what, I'm going home, and I'm going to take a nice long bath, and then I'm going to get a medal, and then I'm getting you fired, have a nice day!"

I walked out the room. We then took the ship to earth, where I explained the whole thing to the president of the world, and got a cookie for my troubles, I lived happily ever after, at least until my wife got home.

"PHIL!!!!!!! THERE IS BLOOD STAINS ON THE CARPET!!!! HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU NOT TO GO TO THE BARS ON THE WEEKDAYS!!!!"

"Sigh" I think I was better off in hell. 


End file.
